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I​’​m Scared of Dying

by Brad E. Rose

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Sound is often a mirror and a journal for me. “I’m Scared of Dying” began as a series of smaller vignettes I made late at night when I couldn’t sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night and don’t get back to sleep immediately, my mind flips on and just starts going. Those small pieces were a way I tried to quiet the barrage, with soft, resonant explorations; the sounds of water and shaded drones. It mostly didn’t work.

I would hear my daughter waking up in her room, coming out at 4 AM to see what I was doing. When I’d go lay in her room to try and help her fall back asleep, my mind would wander. I’d think about what she would do if I wasn’t here. I used to be afraid of getting sick, but not dying. I’m still afraid of getting sick, but I don’t want my favourite people in the world to have to pick up the pieces I leave behind someday. I’m terrified of not being with them. It never used to be this way, but inching toward 50, half my life is probably over. But there’s still so far to go.

“I’m Scared of Dying” puts those pieces together and expands on them, eventually channeling the dark, amorphous horizon into a focused beam of light. Lately, I am feeling better about being afraid.


released October 6, 2023

Written and recorded at The Jewel Garden in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Cover photograph by Katie Lou McCabe.
Mastered by Lawrence English at Negative Space


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